GRIEF & LOSS

by Rev. Shirley Jackson

 

Everyone, at some time in their life, will experience loss whether through the death of a loved one, divorce or separation, relocation, loss of job or status, abandonment, health issues, the empty nest or some other unavoidable life change.   Loss is both painful and difficult and when we suffer a significant loss our natural response is to grieve.  Grief is “an intense emotional suffering or anguish caused by a loss.”  It doesn’t matter who you are, what position you hold or how strong a Christian you think you are, if you lose someone or something dear to you, you will grieve.  You may grieve publicly, privately, or both but again, you will, and should, mourn your loss.   The fact of the matter is that it is healthy to grieve and to openly express sorrow over your loss.   With that said this article is to encourage those who have lost a loved one to acknowledge the loss and embrace the grieving process and also to help others effectively care for those who may be grieving.

Grief is the universal response to loss; however, the grief process is unique for each individual and each circumstance.  There is no right or wrong way to grieve and there is no set time limit to grieve.  The healthy way to process your grief is in your own way and in your own time.  Do not allow anyone to tell you how to grieve or rush you through your grief. Some people grieve for several months, some for several years and others grieve for a lifetime.   Loss of a loved one is a painful and difficult experience. You may never stop missing your loved one, but God can, and will, ease your pain, help you process your feelings and help you adjust to life without your loved one. 

Grief is not a sign of weakness and contrary to popular belief it is not “un-Christian” to grieve.  Remember, Jesus grieved over the death of his friend, Lazarus.  He mourned with Lazarus’ sisters, Martha and Mary, and yes, Jesus wept (John 11).  It takes God-given strength to process your grief.  It is actually unhealthy to suppress your grief.  Studies show that If you don’t allow yourself to grieve your sorrow will inevitably manifest itself physically, mentally, emotionally or spiritually.

People who have suffered loss need the support of family and friends even if they insist they don’t.  You don’t want to crowd the person or be too pushy.  You want to simply “be there” and available when they need you.  Don’t try to cheer the person up and don’t be afraid of their silence.    Allow them to feel what they feel.  Invite them to openly share their feelings without judging them. Family and friends often attempt to change the subject because they are uncomfortable with a person’s expressions of grief.  Instead of avoiding the issue, allow the bereaved to talk, to share memories of their loved one, the circumstances of the death and whatever they are dealing with at that moment.  Acknowledge their feelings, even when their pain is uncomfortable for you.  For instance, if the person says “I am mad at God right now” simply acknowledge this by stating “I hear you say you are mad at God.” Don’t try to analyze or judge what they feel.  Also, patience is very important especially when the person seems to revert to the initial pain of the loss.  Avoid offering clichés such as “I know how you feel” because you can never really know how another person feels.  And if the person does not want to talk, again, just your being there to support them is extremely important.  It is also helpful to perform some practical chores for the person that they may not have the energy to do, such as shopping for food or other essentials, house cleaning or cooking.  The bereaved may also need your help with the final arrangements, writing thank you cards, driving them to various appointments or cleaning out the deceased’s belongings.  There are a number of tasks that may be too stressful for them at the moment.

Keep in mind that grief and sadness often intensifies or resurfaces during the holidays, on birthdays, or other special occasions--including the anniversary of the loss.  The first year after the death the bereaved will have to deal with a number of “firsts” without their loved one - the first Christmas without their loved; the first birthday without them, the first anniversary, the first Super Bowl game without him/her, the first Sunday at church without them, etc.  If these are difficult times, encourage the bereaved to reach out for the support they need from family, friends, a Christian counselor, or a support group.     It is also advisable for the bereaved to avoid making any major life changes, such as moving, selling their home, changing jobs, or getting married immediately following a significant loss.  The bereaved must be given time to adjust to their loss and adequately deal with their emotions.

As a caregiver, it is extremely important that you examine yourself before you attempt to help someone with their grief in order to be certain that you have honestly dealt with your own losses.  When you are ministering to someone who has lost a loved one and you find yourself thinking and talking about your loss more than the person you are trying to help, you may not be the one to help that person at this time.   Instead, seek spiritual guidance for yourself so that you can heal.

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross identified six stages of the grief process in her book, On Death and Dying:

  1. Denial or shock

  2. Release of emotions

  3. Guilt and anger

  4. Bargaining

  5. Sadness

  6. Acceptance

Everyone who has lost a loved one will not experience all of these stages nor will they experience these stages in any particular order or for any specific amount of time.  Some stages may be repeated over and over, while others may not be experienced at all.   The bereaved may have many emotional outbursts.  They may be sad one day, happy the next, and sad again.  They may appear to have accepted the loss today and next month tell you they can’t believe this has happened.

 

Loss of a loved one is something you may never “get over”, but with the help of God and a strong support system, you can “get through it.”   The goal of grieving is not to get things back to normal.  The goal is to find and accept a new normal.   So if you have lost someone or something just know that it doesn’t speak against your faith to grieve.  Grieving is a process that can bring healing. 

 

Information compiled and adapted from the following sources: 

Clinton, Dr. Tim & Hawkins, Dr. Ron. Biblical Counseling Quick Reference Guide. AACC Press, 2007.

 

Collins, Dr. Gary R., Christian Counseling: A Comprehensive Guide, revised edition.  Word Publishing. 1998.

 

Haugk, Kenneth, Journeying Through Grief. Stephen Ministries. St. Louis. 2004

Wimberly, Edward. African American Pastoral Care. Abingdon Press., Nashville. 1991.

 

Let’s pray:

 

Father we thank you for your healing power.  I pray that every reader who has lost something or someone will receive this word as the oil of your anointing is poured into the wounds of their hearts.  I pray for those who feel hopeless during this lost and my prayer is that they will find peace and strength in your word.  God help us to minister to those who are grieving and alleviate our expectations of their grieving process.  Speak t o them through their liquid tears, their frustration, anger and pain.  God, only you can provide the healing they need.  Give wisdom and direction on their healing process.  In Jesus’ name I pray.  AMEN.