REAL TALK…WHEN IS ENOUGH, ENOUGH?

 By Evangelist Garlena L. Hines

 Many times, as I prepare to write articles, the Spirit will lead me to have a “real talk” with the readers.  Sometimes it’s good to read scriptures about how Jesus raised the dead and how Peter was so anointed that people were healed by his shadow.  Then there are times we need to get to the gut of our situation and know how to deal with it.  I mentor single women and many of them struggle with developing a healthy/whole relationship.  Society has not set a good example of what to look for in a mate, how to abstain from sexual immorality, how to fight for your marriage or be in a monogamous relationship.  This is where each individual has to decide when enough is enough.  We are in the world but NOT of the world…meaning we live in the world, but we do not operate as the world does.  We have a High Priest who leads and guides us into all truths.  Therefore, while many are falling prey to the enemy, we have the Holy Spirit to teach us all things.  So, if you are a single Christian and you are struggling with having a healthy relationship, my prayer is that God will speak to you through these writings.   

Let’s talk.  Why do people settle for a toxic relationship rather than waiting on God to send someone?  From my personal experience it had to do with my insecurities.  Because of the sexual abuse I encountered I was very insecure and needed validation.  I needed to know that I was loved and appreciated and whatever it took for me to feel like I was getting that attention, I went after it.  I wanted to be told those special things such as “I love you”, “You’re beautiful”, “I need you”, but yet it did not fill the void in my life.  I found myself in relationship after relationship looking for something I didn’t understand.  I was frustrated with the men I found myself with, but yet I continued exposing myself to more toxic relationships.  Why couldn’t I wait until someone came along that really loved and respected me?  Why was I so adamant to be with someone when I was so broken? 

Real talk….I didn’t realize how broken I was. I had never dealt with the issues of my sexual abuse.  I knew that I was fanatical when it came to sexual activity and I often confused sex with love.  I thought that when a man was with me it meant he loved me. What deception.   All it meant was that he had a desire and I was there to fulfill it.  I used my body over and over again only to walk away feeling useless, hopeless and less of a woman.  I knew I needed something but was not sure what I really needed.  I felt I was a beautiful person and could possibly be a good wife, but I allowed myself to be entangled in relationships that brought me nothing but pain. When would enough be enough?   

Are you tired?  Have you ever stayed in a relationship with the hopes of one of two things happening?  (1)  You could change that individual; or (2) they would see what a good person you were and change because they loved you.  I thought and even prayed for one of these things to happen to me.  I remember praying one night, “God, give me this man although I know he may not be good for me.”  See, when you are entangled in sin, especially sexual sin, you think with your body.  You want to fill that desire but don’t understand how you are dying spiritually.  For me, I stayed in toxic relationships hoping, praying and waiting to be loved, but to no avail.  It never happened because I was drawing the wrong type of man.  

What are you drawing? When you are insecure, hurt, and have other unresolved issues in your life that behavior surrounds you.  People can tell when you are insecure, when you are sad, happy, desperate etc.  The feelings become a part of our daily behavior.  Because I was needy, lonely and insecure I tended to gravitate toward that same type of man.  If a well rounded man who knew what he needed and wanted out of life approached me, I found a reason to dismiss the thought of having a relationship with him.  I couldn’t relate to a man who had it together because I didn’t have it together.  I was drawing the former type of man because that was the type of woman I had become.   Is this how my life would be?  Is this what I really wanted?  Being with the same man, wanting a commitment, wanting to be loved, but realizing that he could not give it to me because he, too, was broken..  When is enough, enough? 

Time to make a change…  Let’s be honest, we know when a relationship is over.  We know when the love is no longer there.  We know when we have had enough, whether we are strong enough to walk away or not.  After four years of being in my last relationship I knew two things.  One, this was not the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, I was just settling.  Two, he was not going to divorce his wife to be with me.  He had been separated for thirteen years and if he had not gotten a divorce within that time, the chances of it now were very slim.  I heard every reason why he couldn’t get a divorce.  I heard the problems he had financially, and I bought into the lie of how he needed me and couldn’t be without me.  But one day these words had no effect on me and this was my defining moment. I wanted better.  Enough was enough!!  

My defining moment…  I will never forget the day I had my defining moment.  I heard the lie for the last time the night before.  I got up the next morning and said to myself, “I’m better than this.”  I didn’t know what that meant, but I was determined to find out.  I knew if I stayed in this toxic relationship I would never know what better meant.   I would never be happy, never love, never marry, at least NOT this man.  My response to his manipulation changed and I was becoming stronger. He noticed the change and tried to play the card he had been so successful at playing for years.  That hand had folded and I was not interesting in listening to the lies anymore.  I gave him an ultimatum and he had until the end of the year to make a decision.  It’s over because enough is definitely enough. 

I walked away and never looked back…It was New Year’s Eve, 1992 and this was the day that would change my life forever.  I was tired, fed up and enough was enough.  I wanted him to make the decision to leave me because I didn’t think I was strong enough to do it on my own.  It’s now about ten minutes before the hour and it will be 1993 and I was determined not to start the year off with this foolishness in my life.  My pastor realized the time was drawing near and said four words that changed my life forever.  “FREE IN ’93”.  I went home and ended the relationship and never looked back.  I wasn’t sure if I would ever have another relationship, but I knew I didn’t’ want that one anymore. I wasn’t sure if I would ever understand or know real love, but I was looking to God to show me this.  I wasn’t sure if I would ever trust another man, but I knew I couldn’t trust this man and no longer wanted him.  Enough was enough. 

The ride to liberation.. Once I made that decision, my life spiraled upward.  Yes, it was hard. I missed him. I missed all of the things we use to do, but I knew that if I stayed with him I would never be blessed.  I talk to a lot of women who say they stay in these types of relationships because they’re afraid to be alone.  Well, I was too, but in those lonely times it caused me to pull closer to God and find out who I was in Him.  Some women say they stay because another man will not want them.  Maybe not, but I rather be by myself than to be with someone who can’t appreciate/respect me. It was hard. I was lonely at times, but it was worth it.  Since I walked away, so many wonderful things happened to me which may not have happened if I had stayed. The greatest thing that transpired was a new, strong and enjoyable relationship with Jesus Christ.  

This is not the story that ends with me riding off on a white horse with my prince charming.  But it does end with me falling in love with a Real Man.  A Man who’s crazy about me.  He loves me so much that He actually gave His life so that I may live.  That’s real love.  He never criticizes, belittle, disrespect or hurt me.  He wants me to succeed and He’s my greatest cheerleader.    He loves me unconditionally and when I don’t spend as much time with Him as I should, He’s still there loving on me.  He loves spending intimate time with me, for when He imparts His spirit into my spirit then I become one with Him.   This relationship is like none other.  I can tell Him whatever I’m feeling, and He’s still there to help me get through what I need.  I love reading His book, talking to Him and being fascinated by the great things He’s done and the great person He is.  I developed a relationship with God that no one can ever take away.  He has filled voids in my life that no man could fill.  He has healed the brokenness, shown me who I was, and am, in Him and chose to use me to help others who are broken.

I have not had another relationship since I walked away in 1993.  But I can say this, I am not lonely, needy or desperate.  I will not settle, but I will wait on God.  As you read this article you may feel you do not have to strength to come out of a toxic relationship.  Just know if God can deliver and heal me, He’s sure to do the same for you.  When is enough, enough?