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I AM NOT A MISTAKE,
I AM MEANT TO BE
I AM NOT A MISTAKE
Greetings readers,
Thank you being a supporter of the vision that God has
given this ministry to see that sexual abuse victims are
healed. Thank you for your questions. I will try to
answer them so that you may be released by the truth of
the word. If you have concerns about this topic or know
someone who has been abused and you desire to assist
them in getting the help that they need, please send
those concerns/questions to
www.glhinesministries.com.
AM I REALLY A VICTIM?
For years I have had an infatuation with married men. I
come from a strong Christian family where my parents had
been married for over 40 years. I knew what the word
said about adultery and I had a great example of
relationships through my parents. Still, there was a
longing inside of me to be with a married man. While in
high school, a friend of mine was seeing an older
gentleman and soon became pregnant. She told her parents
that the child’s father was a young man who lived in the
neighborhood who had developed a strong crush on her.
After her parents requested a meeting with his parents
she told her parents the truth. The married man she was
involved with was charged with statutory rape and
received a jail sentence. I knew that I could not have
this relationship while I was still a minor so for my
18th birthday I gave myself a gift—a married man. This
started a trend in my life--one that I now regret. I did
not stay with this married man long because I did not
have the thrill that I had anticipated. I wanted a rush.
I wanted to take risk. I wanted something dangerous.
This man was having marital problems and on the verge of
divorce; therefore, the thrill was gone.
Once I finished college I was offered a job in a
location that was two hours away from my hometown. I was
elated about this job and I soon settled into this new
city. My parents were constantly encouraging me to find
a church home, and I did. I soon became active in the
church. I met a lot of nice people, but one individual
caught my attention—a married deacon. After flirting
with him in bible study, after church, during church and
at social gatherings, I made my move. I became the
damsel in distress and he was my knight in shining
armor. I loved the rush. The people in the congregation
soon began to whisper. I was being watched by some
members and soon some of them were following me. I
became disrespectful with my actions as if I wanted
people to know that we were an item. Many times I
threatened to tell his wife, but something told me she
already knew. The pastor called us into a meeting to
discuss the allegations and we both denied them. This
was the “way of escape”, but I did not take it. Soon
after, the rush was dying and the thrill was leaving. I
had to have something to keep me going; therefore, I
planned a pregnancy. Once I became pregnant, speculation
and conversation erupted on a more serious level. The
biggest rush for me during this period was that his wife
was barren and could not give him children, but I would
soon have his child. There were rumors being spread
around the congregation, but none of them could be
proven.
One day, I asked this married man (the father of my
child) to accompany me to a doctor’s visit and one of
the members of our church was employed there. Once we
learned that the baby was a boy, we affectionately
congratulated each other and at that exact moment the
member walked in. There was no more denying, she had
evidence.
Soon everyone knew this was the deacon’s child and I
became an outcast. He and his wife were having difficult
times. This was when true conviction began to set into
me. How could I let this go this far? How could I be
carrying a married man’s child and flaunting this in his
wife’s face? Where did my integrity, dignity and pride
go? During a heated argument I was having with the
deacon he said those famous words, “I am not leaving my
wife for you.” The affair was over and I was now in the
position of becoming a single parent. I would fake
illnesses to be with him, but to no avail. He no longer
wanted to be with me. I guess for him the thrill was
gone as well. I began to have serious issues with my
pregnancy and had to be placed on bed rest. I alone and
too embarrassed to seek help from the church members.
The delivery day finally came. I knew something awful
was happening by the way the doctors and nurses were
responding. They slapped my son’s bottom and there was
no sound. They continued, still no sound. They took my
son across the hall to work on him as I lay alone
waiting to see what was going on. My son did not have
enough oxygen to his brain and he is severely brain
damaged. The doctors said he would be a vegetable, never
walking, talking or playing with the other kids. He
would also have to be on a respirator at times depending
on the development of his lungs.
The deacon confessed his sins to the church and
administrative action was taken. He and his wife are
working on their marriage through marital counseling
which may take some time. Now when I look back on the
situation I feel as if I was deceived and that I am a
victim in this situation. I now have to take care of a
physically and mentally disabled son and endure
financial hardships through medical bills while the
deacon lives happily ever after with his wife.
What can I do to better this situation?
Response: Reader, please allow me to speak truth
to your situation. First, the enemy will always tempt us
with what we are not supposed to have. Anytime we know
the difference between right and wrong and choose the
latter, then the consequences are normally great.
Second, you are not a victim. A victim is defined as “a
person who is deceived or cheated, as by his or her own
emotions or ignorance, by the dishonesty of others, or
by some impersonal agency.” In this case the wife and
your child are the victims, two people who were hurt at
the hands of others. I will not write of list of wrong
doings because it is evident that you are aware or your
actions. Third, if you have not repented for your
actions, please do so in order for God to do his will
and bring healing to your situation. At some point, it
may be necessary for you to apologize to the wife for
the hardship she has endured. I strongly encourage you
to be prayerful about how you handle this situation. I,
too, became pregnant by a married man and my children
died. If you remember, when David slept with Bathesheba
and had her husband killed, their baby died as a result
of sin. Sometimes our sin can cause others to suffer,
but, through it all, God is faithful. Concerning the
condition of your son, try to seek medical assistance
for his condition. Also, check to see if there are any
home nurses who can help you. Although the deacon is
reconciling with his wife, he still has a responsibility
to his son. Try to work a financial agreement out with
him without causing further disturbance to the wife. If
he is a man of God, then he will do the right thing. My
prayers go out to you and your son and know that God is
a forgiving God. I will keep you and your son in prayer
and thank you for sharing with our readers.
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