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I AM NOT A MISTAKE, I
AM MEANT TO BE
Greetings Readers;
As we continue to answer questions from our
readers, I want to thank you for taking the
time to write. I pray as I share, it will
bring healing to your situation as you allow
God to fill the voids in your life. If you
have questions concerning sexual abuse, or
know someone who has been abused and desire
to assist them in getting the help that they
need, please send those concerns/questions
to
glhines@glhinesministries.com
and I will do my best to share with you.
Let’s review the question below:
FEAR
OF MEN
Q:
I've had a fear of men because of my
father's physical abuse, and I experienced
sexual trauma when I was young and in my
first marriage. Years later, I am still
vulnerable to being manipulated by my second
(ex) husband and by others when they are
critical of me or controlling me. I do not
know how to respond in a way that keeps my
dignity intact. God has been healing my
heart and I can finally trust Him more to
hear my prayers and to love me. But there is
still neediness and emptiness in me because
of the rejection I experienced from my
parents while growing up (What you wrote
about the woman at the well blessed me a
great deal!). If you could give one or two
keys to becoming more whole so that I don't
allow controlling people to take advantage
of me, what might that/those be?
A: Two major
components that occur in an abusive
relationship are manipulation and
control. While young, your father
manipulated you by using physical abuse and
sexual trauma. Because you were young and
his child, that prevented you from defending
yourself. Because you were a child and he
was adult this also prevented you from
defending yourself and took away your
voice. Therefore, when you are in a
situation where you feel someone is
controlling you emotionally, you reconnect
with the anger you felt while your father
was abusing you. When you feel that you are
being controlled and/or manipulated by
someone the memories of the fear of your
relationship with your father grips you and
it causes you to not know how to respond.
Therefore, your response may be rude and/or
abrupt because you are speaking from a place
of unresolved pain. The other thing is when
we relive painful situations we go back to
that inner vow that says, “no one will ever
manipulate/hurt me again” and that statement
becomes our defense mechanism and it is
displayed in our behavior.
When you
receive critical information try to decipher
if it’s constructive criticism. If it’s not
you need to learn to dismiss it. For
example, since I’ve lost a lot of weight
there are certain foods I do not eat;
therefore, I will politely say, “I can’t
have that”. You need to do the same thing
emotionally. If someone is being critical
to hurt you don’t digest it in your spirit.
Remember it’s NOT what people say, it’s what
you receive. Now if they are giving you
constructive criticism, and you know the
person, discern their spirit. If it’s
something to help you, then apply it and if
not, dismiss it.
When learning
how to respond I encourage you to remain
calm. You may have to minister to yourself
and know that your integrity is in line with
what you say. Then politely let the person
know, in a respectful manner, that you do
not appreciate being controlled. If you
feel you are too emotional to relay this
message then dismiss yourself from the
situation until you can calmly say what you
need. I believe remaining calm shows how
much control you are in. Sometimes
when people see they have “ruffled your
feathers” they feed into that with more
manipulation and control.
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