Hold On To Your Love….
(You’ve Got to Hold On!)

By Minister Shirlene Bailey

Many believers are finding themselves in the difficult place of making the decision of whether to let go or to hold on to love?  An R&B group by the name of En Vogue sang a song called Hold On To Your Love.  The problem was, like many of us, they did not know what love they should have been holding on to.  The song starts out by saying, “Oooo, my first mistake was. . .”  Like many married folks, when difficulties arise we begin to reason with ourselves, asking, “Was it my fault?” or “What mistakes did I make?”  “What could I have done differently?” or “What did I do, or maybe did not do, to contribute to the breakdown of my marriage?”  The truth may be that it did not have anything to do with you at all.  Only you and God know the answer to that.  However, once something takes place in the marriage you will have a choice in whether it will make or break your marriage.  In some circumstances it may have been entirely your fault.  How you responded to what was happening may have exasperated the problem.  Did your spouse’s actions cause a reaction in you that left you both in a place of helplessness and hopelessness? So, instead of becoming proactive in your relationship you seek to find a solution for your marital dilemma by becoming an unloving, unfeeling, uncompassionate, revolving door of hurt, pain and disappointments.

Picture this if you can-- it is like being on a merry-go-round at fast speed and the only way you feel you can get off is to jump.  Although you both know that makes absolutely no sense at all your judgment is clouded by your own perception of what must be done rather than seeking God’s way.  The sad part is that neither of you will be wise enough to relinquish your stance so that you both may collectively come up with a more sensible solution of how you are going to get out or off this continual cycle of unproductiveness, hurt and pain.  Instead you continue to blame the other saying. “I am in this because of you!”  Isn’t it sad when we become so engulfed in ourselves that we fail to operate in the power that God has given us so that we might see our way through life’s difficulties?

One of those powers--or should I say abilities--is to love one another the way God Himself has loved us.  In order for us to do that we must hold on to that love.  What love?  God’s agape love for without it we don’t truly know how we are to walk in love with one another--especially those who are closest to us.  Many times we believe that once we enter into marriage we are to strive for an eros type of love, but that is an error we all make--for in order for us to love one another as God intended we must first strive for an agape or Godly love.  The truth is you cannot walk in a phileos type of love with your brothers and sisters unless you have experienced God’s agape love for phileos is derived from agape love.  You see, the same way we walk in phileos love with our brothers and sisters in Christ is the same way God wants us to walk in love with our spouse.  That means you cannot treat your brother and sister in Christ with love and common courtesy and then go home and treat your spouse in a disrespectful manner, or much worse, mistreatment your spouse in public.  Mistreatment is mistreatment no matter where it is happening!

The word of God says to us, “How can you say you love me whom you have never seen, but hate your brother who you see every day?  You are a liar and the truth is not in you.”  So my question is this, “How can you say you love God whom you cannot see, but hate, despise, mistreat, misuse and abuse your spouse who you see every day?”  Just for the record abuse is not limited to the physical (i.e. knocking someone upside the head)  but it comes in other forms such as verbal, mental and sexual abuse.  Abuse in any form does not please God!  In the covenant of marriage we are privy to all three types of the love experience which is agape, phileos and eros.  Eros is derived from the word erotic (passionate).  In marriage you will want to hold on to this type of love also because you don’t want the fire to go out. That means both of you must tend to the fire. Every now and then someone will have to go get some more C.O.A.L.S. to keep it lit.  

• C – Compliment your spouse; communicate with loving and truthful words.

• O – Offer, yes offer, to your spouse what he or she needs; don’t leave your spouse looking elsewhere for it.

• A – Assist your spouse; aim to please your spouse.

• L – Love your spouse; laugh with your spouse; listen to your spouse; and, lift up your spouse because he/she needs encouragement every now and then too.

•  – Show your spouse you are there for/with him/her. Remember, actions speak louder then words! 

Sometimes someone may have to fan the flames and other times someone may have to remove the ashes from the fire so the fire will not be suffocated or be put out by that which is no longer useful to the longevity of the fire. A.S.H.E.S.

·         A – Anger and unresolved arguments

·         S – Sinful acts committed against the covenant/marriage

·         H – Hurtful and harmful behavior toward one another

·         E – Envy and unmerited jealousy can destroy a marriage

·         S – Self serving attitudes can kill a marriage.  In marriage it is not all about you. Keep the flame burning, get rid of the ashes!  Too many ashes will choke out the fire!

Note:  To engage in eros type of love without the marital covenant is fornication.  For outside of marriage eros is defiled or considered a lustful act.  Now the bible tells us that the marriage bed is undefiled.  This means in the institute or covenant of marriage the lust one experiences in the flesh is bridled (not done away with, but restrained, kept in check, controlled) by the covenant or promise of faithfulness from one to the other. 

So what am I saying?  I am encouraging you to hold on to your love. What love?  First, your love for God, for in doing that you will learn how to be more loving, more compassionate, more forgiving and more effective in your marriage.  By holding on to God’s love you won’t count it robbery to serve your spouse and strive to please him/her.  By holding on to God’s love Godly men won’t find it hard to love their wives as Christ loved the church and Godly women won’t find it hard to submit to someone (a spouse) who is willing to love and obey God.  God is the lover of our souls. He is our first husband so we must learn how to be His bride in all diligence and in all obedience.  This may be deep for some, but I believe a “man” who has learned how to become the bride of Christ will himself become the greatest earthly example of a husband you will ever meet outside of Christ.

Well, so long for now and until the next time, stay married! Peace, power, and love be unto you in Jesus name.  Amen.